53 Times

He called me 53 times
After just one date
How do I respond to that?
Should I leave it to late?

So that he never calls again
Or contacts me in any way
Or should I text him back to say
That thanks, but by the way

You called me 53 times
After just one date
I really could not answer
I was working very late

And after calling 53 times
Did you think I'd pick up the phone?
After 5 and 10 and 20 times
I really was not home

But you called me 53 times
Awaiting a response
If you wanted to so me that you liked me
You could have called the once!

Instead of calling 53 times
And why didn't you just text me?
Or email or leave a voicemail?
That would have been ok with me.

But you called me 53 times
and thats a bit excessive
We had a laugh, a nice few drinks
I had a good time but did you think

I'd want calling 53 times
To arrange a second meeting?
What would happen on our next rendevous?
Would I receive a similar greeting

To arrange our third date?
Now how would that one play out?

I really liked you in more ways than one
But as a consequence
Of the 53 missed phone calls
I have to admit
That I don't think that this would work out
And you have put me off a bit

So he called me 53 times
And he never called again.

This Wasn't Supposed To Be A Dating Story ...

I haven't writen on here in nearly a month! Not through being lazy, actually totally the opposite reason ... Being far too damn busy in all aspects of life!

Over the last month, my research has started to be transformed into dialogue, performance, thoughts and ideas about dating; the act of dating, the consequences of dating. Advice from gurus, advertisements in lonely heart columns and of course, my little research into dating profiles on Zoosk. Together with the stories kindly sent to me from friends, I have more than enough material to devise a performance with.

Although my intentions have changed. I don't know why. I was going to base the theme on Disney brainwashing myself and others into a false sense of hope when it comes to dating. I had a plan. I had a score. And now I've changed my mind somehow and I've written a dating story. It wasn't supposed to be a dating story... it was supposed to be a story about dating, an expose' into the world of dating.

Disney is now out the window and other 'stuff' is in.

I will write again with more details soon.

And Here's One From the Boys!

This was sent to me by a male friend of a friend. Although I was predominantly looking at female dating stories, I was quite interested in the story as it was instigated with joining a dating site and its actually quite amusing!

'I joined a dating site after my best friend, and partner in crime, had just left to go to Australia for a year. I decided it would be a fun way to meet new people, especially seeing as I’d just moved out of home for the first time!

After a few month on a free dating site (where most of the people were con artists posing as attractive women) my interest had begun to fade and I was thinking of leaving it. However, browsing away I happened to notice a familiar face, a girl who I had met (albeit briefly) at uni! “At least I know she’s real” I thought, so I decided to get in touch and before long we had organised a date. Never having done a (kind of) blind date before I was probably a bit more nervous than normal, which is my explanation/excuse for what happened next…

Things were actually going pretty well and we’d been chatting for half an hour or so when somehow we got onto the subject of children. I was pleased to find out that she, like me, was not too keen on children (not that we were talking about having babies or anything, just children in general). I wrongly thought that our mutual dislike gave me the licence to tell her that: “I think all children should be taken away from the mothers at birth, given a serial number and put in jail. This would not only free up society for adults but would also ensure that no chavs got into society, as all the children who turned out to be chavs could be killed in jail. The ones who make it through the system would then come out as well-formed members of society and be reunited with their mothers”…. I would like to point out that these are NOT my actual views. In my own weird way (probably spurred on by nervousness) I thought I was being funny. She did not see it this way!

After about half an hour more, going into the finer details of my ‘children in jail plan’ and continuing to be unaware that she was not really enjoying the conversation, I went for a toilet break. Whilst in the toilet I felt my phone buzz with a message and naturally I decided to look who it was from… It was from her! I thought it was strange that she’d sent me a message whilst I was in the toilet but after reading the content (“OMG OMG! He is a FUCKING Psycho”) I knew that the message was not for me… IT WAS ABOUT ME and was intended for her friend. She has sent it to me by accident!

Not having previous experience of a situation like this (honest!) I didn’t really know what to do… After a minute or two considering my options, and not even knowing if she’d still be there, I decided to play it cool and act as if everything was normal. So I put my phone back in my pocket, walked out of the toilets and went to sit back down (thankfully she was still there)! She was pretty quiet for a few minutes before eventually asking me if I had my phone. I simply replied “Yeah why?” and then got my phone out of my pocket exclaiming “Oh you sent me a message!”, I then pretended to read it. I thought that this might break the ice but she is not one to hold her tongue told me that I’d been “fucking weird” and that I had to prove to her that I could have a “normal conversation” or she was going to leave. After about 15 minutes of thinking about what a normal conversation was I started to talk to her about music and we actually got on really well for the rest of the night.

That was two years ago but I’m happy to say that from that most unlikely of starts we somehow got together and are still together today… though some of her friends still refer to me as “psycho”!'

The Basics

Virgo, 5''4/ 163cm. White/ Caucasian. Average Build. Never Married. No Children. College Graduate. Atheist. Doesn't Smoke. Drinks Socially.

Capricorn. 6"0/ 183cm. White/ Caucasian, Athletic. Never Married. No Children. College Graduate. Atheist. Christian. Doesn't Smoke. Drinks Socially.

Virgo. 6"1/ 185cm. White/ Caucasian. Curvy. Never Married. No Children. College Graduate. Atheist. Smokes Socially. Drinks Socially.

Gemini. 6"0/ 183cm. White/ Caucasian. Athletic. Never Married. No Children. Advanced Degree. Doesn't Smoke. Doesn't Drink.

Aries. 5"9/ 175cm. White/ Caucasian. Never Married. Has Children. Jedi. Drinks Regularly. Smokes Regularly.

Taurus. 5"8/ 173cm. White/ Caucasian. Average Build. Divorced. No Children. Smokes Regularly. Drinks Regularly.

Cancer. 5"9/ 175cm. White/ Caucasian. Athletic. Never Married. No Children. Attended College. Catholic. Doesn't Smoke. Drinks Socially.

Virgo. 5"10/ 178cm. White/ Caucasian. Average Build. No Children. College Graduate. Agnostic. Doesn't Smoke. Drinks Socially.

Gemini. 5"8/ 173cm. White/ Caucasian. Average Build. Never Married. No Children. Attended College. Christian. Drinks Regularly. Smokes Regularly.

Match Me!

Just browsing through unopened email and found lots of corrospondence from Zoosk online dating. This is how I'm being advertised - it made me chuckle at how much information is being given to 'market' my single-ness. Here are my vitals:

Ashley. Virgo. 5"4'/ 163cm . Men . Never Married. No Children . White/ Caucasian. Athesist . Dosen't Smoke. Drinks Socially. Average Build


Don't I sound attractive?

Dating - Another Story

This is part of an email that I received from another friend. I have been waiting to here how a date with a neighbour had gone for months (even before I started this investigation!). She replied yesterday ...

• I have just realised that I hadn't responded-hope it's not too late.
  1st official date was when I was at uni and it took the guy a year to ask me out...(phone shop guy...u know ash) went to watch his band play and convinced him to come out to Gallery after...he did. There was a girl following us around all night whom I wanted to punch...who was she? An ex....anyways eventually ended up going on a date to keystones a few days later (classy i know...) went badly when the convo turned to the weather, I got a peck on the lips and he left...from then it was at his beck and call when I heard from him....turned out he had a kid with the ex from a nightclub but didn't want to tell me...needless to say we spoke no longer.
  
  My other experience of dating (because there has been only two real occasions of proper dates) was much better. It took the guy two weeks to ask me out ( I can only presume I am somewhat intimidating and unapproachable?!) and eventually did when a drunk neighbour asked me for him coz he was fed up of him waiting to ask me ...and so was I.(they are best friends and my neighbour and his wife had been trying to set us up for months which neither of us realised)
  
  He took me out to a nice restaurant. He paid for taxis there and back, a full three course meal and lots of drinks. To be honest it couldn't have gone better or smoother and I really enjoyed it. He was a gentleman and wouldn't allow me to pay! Pretty much (and I can gloat...a perfect date).
  
  From there we had a night in at his with a takeaway and drinks...again I paid for nothing and even though he only lives around the corner and 2 mins away...he insisted on walking me 
  home.
  
  We went out on other dates as well..to the Trafford Centre (god I know how to live lol!) He drove there...he has the better car...and again tried to pay for everything although finally after nearly a week he allowed me to pay for the food...after all a girls got to offer on occasions!
  It was all going well and we saw each other for 'dates' every other night for two weeks.(Again hardly paid and they were great).
  
  He was then asked by work to go to Canada for a works trial...he has been there since...this is now over 9 weeks ago and since nothing was ever official it sucks!
  
  Dating is game playing and to be honest I can't stand it! lol... will he text? do i text? how long do you wait?...blah blah!!
  You should just know where you stand and get on with it....I am dangling on a piece of string till he returns coz I don't really know if he's still interested or wants to see me when he returns!
  Ash, you may have realised I am typing this after a few drinks....hence the complete honesty and slight anger in the tone lol! My opinion and experiences of dating are slightly tinged at the mo...if he returns and we carry on then I'm sure i'll think it's great...till then who knows!! Hope this helps...sort of?! xx

I BLAME DISNEY!

Just as Katie had mentioned the concept of dating and how watching Disney has ruined her expectations of first dates, I too had started to think about this. I spent the majority of my childhood watching Cinderella, The Little Mermaid, Aladdin et al. and have realised that somewhere in the back of my consciences I still have expectations that 'someday my prince will come'. 

I think the majority of woman still fantasise about getting swept off their feet by a gorgeous, well mannered, polite, impeccably dressed, music loving, talks to the animals kinda guy, which is never the case in reality. In Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and The Little Mermaid the 'prince' characters are extremely perfect (if not to the point of boredom). Even in Aladdin, the only real downside to his character is that he is not a real prince, but then the rules of prince hood are changed (which is allowed because it's Disney) and he becomes one by default (winning the affections of Jasmine). 

Even in Lady and the Tramp our expectations of dating are illusive. I know that we are dealing with animals here and it is very unlikely that dogs really do go on dates, but I have always watched in awe at the spaghetti scene! Who hasn't? When I was a child, I thought that dinner dates would entail being serenaded by accordion playing Italians, candle light and pasta (although, I also thought that Ariel in The Little Mermaid seemed 'grown up' at the tender age of 16 and that mice really can rescue kidnapped children as in The Rescuers). As we all know from experience of eating the stuff, Spaghetti Bolognese is a massive no-no on a date! Team that with a white shirt and your just heading for disaster! Also, if the person I was on a date with moved a meatball across the plate with his nose I would probably end up running for the hills! Yes. I really do think Disney has clouded my judgement about dating!

Maybe I'm onto something here? Hmm interesting ...

Some Wise Words from my Friend Katie.

I have a friend called Katie (AKA Kettle) who is one of the most hilarious people I know. The girl has kindly volunteered her thoughts for my investigation about the first date (in her experiences).

Dating the awkward truth 

My younger self’s dream - marriage and kids, lots of kids, by my mid-twenties. Big familie, big arguments the big whole works. My Reality? On a management ladder in a career that is not house wife domesticity! I long for the Regency period debutant balls where social rules are clearly outlined. With a string of could have beens and should have beens with a series of (in the whole) fairly decent chaps (with the odd exception). 

The life motto 'I want what I don’t have, I don’t want what I can have so if what I couldn’t have' became 'what I could have I wouldn’t want it any way'!

And how does all this fit in the world of dating… Time is NO great healer where we all stand on first date depends on how reckless you have been with your heart in the past. My standing is on a ground of learned inadequacies and nerves and so like many situations in life a series of military coping strategies have developed to deal with dating.

I will always be on the phone on approach to the meeting place, or if worse and I am waiting for them. A friend of mine who was on the receiving end of one of these “date approach phone calls” once questioned this methodology. The answer is simple. If you are sat there waiting you don’t want to look like you’re on your own, you can also easily escape if you are stood up. 

The usual recipient of this phone call is my mum (friends can be unhelpful as you will read later). Who by knows the routine; as I approach the target I will pretend that I am on the phone to another boy, and I’m clearly in the middle of a hysterically funny conversation of which the date should be very jealous and nervous... right?? So know I’ve evened the nerves playing field and also successfully managed to avoid the first greeting, while they wait for me to finish on the phone, there can be no hug, or kiss or whatever it is that you’re supposed to do when you first meet the date can commence. And as ludicrous as this routine sounds I consider it an achievement to have made it this far. I would have normally talked myself out of a date long before this stage with lame ass excuses of work commitments and unexpected netball training (I’ve even once used “not tonight Britains Biggest Loser is on”). 


So while at your mouth agreed to go to dinner with enthusiasm your brain is going F*****CK. What the hell am I going to eat, I’m not one of those salad girls but burgers and pizza are off. Nobody wants to have the cut vs. dig straight in with your hands debate. 

Disney lets blame Disney. Disney never tells you how to behave on your first date. You patiently wait for the moment when they ask you a question just as you shovel slightly too much food in your mouth and your cover is blown you are actually a man masquerading as a gentle female… the sort they would take home to meet mum. And now you thinking about their family and whether you will meet them and then you start to panic wondering if they can tell what you’re thinking. The whole time you’re sitting there reminiscing how comfortable it was with your ex. And bang now you’ve done it, you’re thinking about your ex, and not the money grabbing, lying waste of space bits but the bits that make the person in front of you not them.

So you eat, drink and more often than not you laugh and then the awkward truth… you’re exhausted (and a little disappointed the ex hasn’t seen you having such fun)… and no matter who is in front of you, you have already vowed to never fall in love again, so home you head for a duvet spoon pretending to be indifferent to whether they text or not. Better to be disappointed now than shattered later.

My Friend and Her Very Funny Dating Escapades

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Some Stories From My Ladies

Here are some dating stories that have been sent to me for my research (no names mentioned):

'Our first date lasted 180 hours! He came up from Chesterfield on the 29th August, we spent the day together, he stayed over and the next day I went down to Chesterfield with him and ended up staying there for 6 Days ... total hours on one date - 180! Four days later he moved up to Rishton and we've been pretty inseparable ever since!'




'I'd only known this guy for a week and he was pretty straight with me about having a girlfriend who was living abroad at the time, but I agreed to go on a date with him anyway (I'm bad I know). Anyhow, after a few cocktails he invited me back to his place for 'coffee'. He told me that he lived with six friends in a shared house, all of whom where good friends with his girlfriend thus expressing a need to keep the 'situation' under wraps. After 'having our coffee' and staying the night, I was awoke the next morning and we tried to usher ourselves towards the front door, pulling on my top, zipping up my trousers and rubbing the panda eye mascara marks from my eyes. I got to the front door thinking that the coast was clear when a polite, if not bewildered couple appeared and just stared at me.I was trapped in the pathway of his house, desperately trying to pull my heels onto my feet and tuck my boobs into my hooker-Esq top. Oh my god, I'm sure they thought I was a prostitute or something! How embarrassing! They then uttered a very quiet hello in utter bewilderment. Never again!'


'I once went on a date with a guy in York to Pizza Hut (very classy) and when I asked for a glass of 'Cab Sav' he stated that 'you can take the girl out of Sheffield, but you couldn't take the Sheffield out of the girl' and that I should call it by it's full name of Cabernet Savingion. He was from Rotherham. Enough said.'


Thanks girls! These are great!

Did I Accidently Go on a Date Without Knowing It?

It's been a while since I have wrote on here as both my Broadband and phoneline have been down. Thankfully, they are both working perfectly again so I can update the blog with the last few weeks worth of goings-on...

DATE - n. - the time when an event happened; an appointment, esp with the oppposite sex; rendezvous; a sweetheart. Geddes and Grosset Dictionary and Thesaurus 2001.

Did I go on a date without knowing it? I thought it was just a few casual drinks, but the more I think about it, the more I'm starting to wonder ...

'A guy I know breifly, lets just call him Rob* as not to mention names here, came into my place of work just as I had finished my shift. I was sat with another work collegue at the time just finishing some drinks and then Rob* joined us and ordered some more drinks for the three of us. My collegue had to leave, leaving the two of us with our drinks. We had a few more drinks and the conversation was flowing nicely so we had a few more. Rob* left the table to go to the toilet and another collegue came over and pointed out that it looked as though we were on a date. I laughed it off, Rob* was just a new acquaintance who I was having a few drinks with. Later on that evening he walked me to get a taxi and asked if we could 'do this again sometime'. I said ok and we said our goodbyes. 


Two days later whilst working a long Saturday split shift, I finished work only to notice that I had 53 (yes 53) missed phone calls from him. He obviously thought the previous encounter was a date too! I haven't heard a peep from him since ... although I never did reply ...




So, the first date in my investigation has been and gone and I didn't even know about it! Onwards I go. A friend has suggested going speed dating soon. That should be fun. At least I will know that I am speed dating, unlike this little encounter!

Making a Start

After asking all of my female facebook friends to help me in my quest to find information about dating, two of them replyed straight away saying that they thought that it was a really good, and quite amusing idea. Thanks ladies! Get writing!

 I still need to pluck up the courage to actually join dating sites and so fourth to see what all the fuss is about, but where do I begin? There are far more than I originally thought!

So ... Dating. Where do I start?

Well, I'm about to embark on an investigation into the world of dating, all in the name of art. I am a MA Performance student currently studying at York St John University who is in the process of starting my final investigative project using material from the everyday, music, feminist theory (although I'm not ready to burn my bra just yet!), rhythm, language and speech (think Victoria Wood, Laurie Anderson and Bobbi Baker if you gave her a drum!). Earlier projects have seen myself explore my life in relation to childhood memories, being a twin, getting older (inparticular turning twenty-five and what that means to me as a woman and a 'grown up') and my mothers obsession with wanting Grandchildren.

Basically, I need to find out as much information about dating as I can: from the concepts of dating, to the use of dating websites, dating rules (if there are any), dating experiences, etc, etc. Now personally I haven't been on a date for a long, long time (I'm Bridget Jones incarnate without the affair with the boss or Mark Darcey), so this is going to be pretty daunting. I will have to surrender myself, my nice comfy sofa, my Gilmore Girls box sets and my takeaway meals for one and get out there on actual 'dates' to complete what I like to refer to as 'field research'. The first task within my field research is to join dating sites such as Plenty of Fish, Zoosk, Lovematch.com and so on to see what all the fuss is all about. I will then play it by ear and take it from there ...

Now ladies, I would apprieate it greatly if you would comment on the blog as it progresses. Please feel free to suggest ideas on research for the investigation and also please leave your dating stories, no matter how funny or lack-luster they may be. Everything gathered throughout this blog will be greatly apprieated and will form the basis of my eventual performance regarding the topic.

You can expose as much or as little detail as you want, although I only want details of the actual 'date' itself. Please leave off details of what happened after the date ie, when you went back to yours for coffee, as I will not be using this kind of information (and do not care to hear about it!!!!) out of my research and performance. If you want to change names or any of the details of the datees then thats fine, I just need the stories.

Well here goes, until my next blog.

Ciao for now